Lets find some gambling jokes and puns. Most of these would fall under the category of “dad jokes”. This means that they’re the type of sad and lame jokes your dad might find amusing. If he went total retard. But would just make any normal person cringe with embarrassment and shame. As if we care!
- The bingo games hall both at an online casino and in a land based casino is the place that breeds fun and energy, and along with that come some pretty fabulous jokes. The best bingo jokes we know won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but bingo games are an incredibly sociable activity.
- Gambling is, first and foremost, a form of entertainment. From the bells and whistles of the slot machines to the dazzling colors and shapes of table games, everything is designed to delight you. Land-based casinos keep the party going with bars and restaurants with live music.
- A collection of short, funny jokes related to Gambling and Casinos!” Quick, Funny Jokes! Gambling, Casino Jokes Jokes on our Main Page! Q: How can you tell if a poker player is bluffing? A: His chips are moving Q: What did the dealer say to the deck of cards?
When you visit a casino, you get more than just the thrill of gambling. You meet new people, share life experiences and listen to amazing gambling jokes. The fun in a landbased casino is far more than the fun you enjoy when you’re using an online casino except you’re naturally an introvert. May 2, 2014 - 365 Jokeful days. See more ideas about gambling, jokes, gambling humor.
Card Jokes and Puns
God, these are beyond depressing. It’s as if there was a competition for the world’s most crap joke and these came in last place. Run a warm bath and grab a razor blade…I’m sorry it’s come to this…
Why can’t pirates play cards? Because they’re standing on the deck!
What has a heart and no organs? A deck of cards!
How does the Eskimo make a house of cards? Igloos it! (It glues it)
Sign you might have a poker addiction: your children are named Check and Raise.
Your best chance to get a Royal Flush in a casino is in the bathroom.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need at first is two hearts and a diamond. But in the end, you wish you had a club and spade.
To restore you faith in humanity, check out these online poker sites in the UK.
Poker Jokes and Puns
Jeeezzz…who made these up? Is there no shame in the world? Throw the noose over the tree branch and climb onto the wobbly chair….here we go…
I used to love eating chips until I got barred from the casino.
Did well at strip poker the other night. I played my socks off.
I took a gamble and bought a small boat without seeing it first. It was a punt.
Why are large maps rubbish at playing poker? They always fold.
I’m going to an Abba themed poker night. The winner takes it all.
What do you call a professional poker player who broke up with his girlfriend? – Homeless.
Santa Claus is a super easy opponent; he always checks it twice (WTF!).
Jeff was a little shy at the Poker table. He didn’t want to show his hand just yet.
Everyone said that Cody would be a wonderful made all he does is fold!
The tiger was mad that he lost at Poker last night. He said that this is the last time he plays with a cheetah.
More Sad Gambling Jokes and Puns.
You have stood on the edge and peered over into the dark abyss. No more tears to cry. All hope was gone at the very first sentence. Nothing remains but anguish and grief at the ten minutes of life you’ve just wasted reading this. Now jump!
Q: What did the dealer say to the deck of cards? A: “I can’t deal with you anymore.”
Q: What do craps dealers eat for dessert? A: Dice pudding.
Q: How’s a casino like a good woman? A: Liquor in the front, poker in the back!
Q: What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? A: In a casino, you really mean it!
Q: How can you tell if a poker player is bluffing? A: His chips are moving.
Q: When is the only time you split tens in Black Jack? A: When the table is full and your buddies need a seat.
Q: What kind of shark is always gambling? A: A Card Shark
Dear Lord, Make it Stop!
I think I just vomited into my mouth a little. If you thought that jokes are meant to lighten the mood, then I have some news for you. Read on and despair…
Q: What does a Black Jack player eat for dinner? A: Whatever his comp card allows him to.
Q: Whats the difference between poker players and politicians? A: Politicians tell the truth.
Q: Whats the difference between online poker and live poker? A: You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you.
Q: What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog? A: In about ten years, the dog quits whining.
Q: What did a blonde from England bring a bag of french fries to a poker game? A: Someone told her to bring her own chips.
A man walks into the bar and says to the barman “I’ll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop”. The bartender pondered the bet “OK, you’re on”. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me $500! ” The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet those guys in the corner $1000 each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”
Oh No! Yet even More Gambling Jokes and Puns
Hello darkness my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again.
Q: What card game do lesbians play? A: Poke-her
Q: What do vampires play poker for? A: High Stakes!
Q: Why are most gamblers married? A: Because marriage is a gamble.
Q: What’s the hardest thing about play mini baccarat? A: Telling your parents your gay!
Q: How do you get a professional poker player off your front porch? A: Pay him for the Pizza.
A man walks into a butcher’s shop and asks the butcher: “Are you a gambling man?” The butcher says “Yes”, so the man said: “I bet you $10 that you can’t reach up and touch that Beef hanging on the hooks up there.” The butcher says “I’m not betting on that.” “But I thought you were a gambling man” the man retorts. “Yes I am” says the butcher “but the steaks are too high.
We’ve Reached the Bottom of the Barrel….Keep Going!
If I see the word “Cheetah” again, I’ll pluck out my own eyes with a tea spoon. After reading these jokes, your IQ has dropped lower than whale shit.
Q: Why isn’t gambling allowed in Africa? A: Because of all the cheetahs
Q: What does a gambling addict eat? A: Poker Chips and Salsa.
Q: How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling? A: Their paradise (pair-o-dice) was taken away from them!
I was just about to place my chips on the roulette table at the casino when the African man standing next to me gave me a nudge and said, “Black, 33.” I shook his hand and said, “White, 28.”
They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. My money’s on Bob.
It was easy money playing poker with a bunch of origami enthusiasts. They just kept folding.
After lots of careful research, I’ve devised an infallible way to win at Roulette. Step one: open a casino.
I’m dead!
OK…some online poker news to cheer you up here.
“What did the dealer say to the deck of cards” and many other classic jokes and puns in the world of online gambling, right here, on bestonlinecasino.com. We all enjoy a good laugh and, though playing for real money is no laughing matter, we decided to delight our readers with some of the most hilarious jokes and puns that we could find. This is also a collection that we intend on growing, so make sure to check back regularly for the latest gambling jokes.
All-in in the kitchen
A group of men are playing poker when one is warned that his friend is making love to his wife in the kitchen. All the man wants to know is whether or not he’s all-in.
A man wants to play poker with his wife
A man wants to play poker with his wife because he knows she’s not any good at it, and wants his money back. The wife protests: “but I don’t know how to play poker.”
Bet on everything
In Las Vegas they let you bet on anything. You can even bet if you’re going to win or lose in the casino.
Betting her age
A woman faints when she bets her age and a much higher number comes up, making her feel VERY old.
Betting in Tibet
Two women are having a conversation about a husband who’s planning a trip to Tibet. The woman tells her he goes there because it has ‘bet’ in the name.
Betty the Race Horse
A wife busts her husband for saying his race horse is called Betty, when actually it’s the name of his mistress.
Blonde playing pop machine
A hot blonde woman plays the pop machine and thinks she is winning.
Blonds playing bingo
Blonds are waiting for the number free space to have bingo.
Break even
A man goes to the casino and hope he breaks even, because he really needs the money.
Bring your own chips
A woman puts down frozen French fries on the casino table, as she was told to bring her own (casino)chips.
Broken slot machine
The slot machine is tingling and a blond woman doesn’t realize that she’s just won the jackpot. Instead of that she thinks the machine is broken.
Can’t deal with you
What does a blackjackdealer say to the deck of cards? I can’t deal with you anymore.
Casino chips versus potato chips
A woman is munching on casino chips at a casino table. She tells her friend that she wonders how long they’ve been there, as they’re very hard.
Casino don’t N⁰1: lucky dice
Casino don’t number 1: don’t ask the croupier if you can use your lucky dice when you are playing craps.
Casino don’t #2: counting cards
Casino don’t #2:Don’t bother counting cards with your fingers.
Casino don’t #3: card tricks
Casino don’t #3: don’t ask the blackjack dealer if she knows any good card tricks.
Casino don’t #4: Caribbean stud poker
Casino don’t #4: Don’t wear a Jamaican wig while playing Caribbean poker.
Casino don’t #5: French wheel
Casino don’t N⁰ 5: Don’t ask the Roulette guy if the French wheel was imported.
Casino don’t #6: cheering at your racehorse
Casino don’t N⁰6: Don’t stand up and cheer on your horse at the horse racing game in the casino.
Casino don’t #7: Don’t put your dinner plate on the roulette table
A man puts his plate down on the roulette table, believing he sees a table where he can eat.
Cheating with poker
A player says the other player is cheating, because he knows that those aren’t the cards that he gave.
Conjoined twins at the casino
A man bumps into a pair of conjoined twins at the casino and asks them if they’ve won. The twins reply: “yes and no”.
The difference between a casino and a church
The difference between praying in a church and praying in a casino is that in a casino you really mean it.
Doctor playing poker
The wife thinks that her husband needs to go to a serious surgery, because there are already 3 other doctors, but he is just going to play poker
Dog playing poker
A dog is playing poker, but reveals his good hand by wagging his tail.
Eating Dice
Two craps dealers are enjoying pudding filled with dice in a restaurant.
The ex winning the jackpot
A man receives a text message from his ex who wants to get back together after winning the lottery.
Favorite song of a poker dealer
A poker dealer who’s doing a dance move from the music video of ‘Everyday I’m shuffling’, while he’s shuffling cards behind his poker table.
High stakes
When an older man sees a vampire walk into a casino he asks: Why do vampires play poker? The other man points to the sign above the entrance, which says ‘High stakes’.
Just looking around
A blind man at a poker table uses his dog to look around the table.
Leaving with a Fortune
A man asks another man why Las Vegas is called the city of fortune. He shows the nickels in his pockets and tells him you have to gamble a big fortune to win at least something.
Looking for blackjack
A woman is looking for blackjack at the casino and asks a coloured man if he’s blackjack.
Losing with mobile poker
A man asks his friend how he managed to lose money playing poker on his mobile phone. He tells him he called himself by mistake.
Lost my wife
A man walks up to a woman and asks if he can stand with her, because his wife always appears when he’s talking to a beautiful woman.
Marriage bet
A man bets that his girlfriend wouldn’t marry him, and she raises him with five.
Money changing machine
A man is happy because he thinks that the money changing machine is a gambling machine.
Monkeys playing dice for peanuts
Monkey’s are gambling and a woman wants the guard to stop it, but the monkeys are keeping within the law, they’re only playing for peanuts.
Naked woman winning
A naked woman is distracting the two dealers at the craps table.
Odds to play strip poker
A blackjack player asking the stunning dealer what the odds are she is going to play strip poker instead of blackjack.
Playing aces slowly
A man asks a blonde woman why she is taken so long to play her poker hand. She answers that she is playing, but she wants to play her aces slowly.
Poker don’t N⁰1: card tricks
Casino Gambling Jokes Poker
Never perform card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Praying for the lottery
A man prays to god to help him win the lottery, but god asks him to first buy a lottery ticket.
Safe combination
A blonde woman has won a lot of chips. She tells her friend that she will keep the chips in her vault. The combination for the safe is all 5s, but she won’t say which order they’re in.
Spending too much time in an online casino
That man’s spent so much time in an online casino, he thinks he can play for free in an real casino as well.
The craps table
A man takes the translation of craps table too literally.
The steaks are too high
A man walks into the butcher shop and wants to make a bet with the butcher about reaching a piece of beef that’s hanging. The butcher tells him he’ll not bet on that, because the steaks are too high.
Tipping the blackjack dealer
A blackjack dealer wants a tip like a waiter, but the player only gives a tip when the blackjack gives him what he orders, a Queen.
What happens when you don’t drink or gamble
Casino Gambling Jokes One-liners
A man wants a bum coming to his house to show to his wife what happens if a man doesn’t drink or gamble.
Why poker is like sex
Two men explain that you don’t need a partner at poker if you have a good hand, much like sex.
Wife going to Las Vegas
A women thinks to earn a lot of money with sex in Las Vegas, but the husband doesn’t think so.
Wife pays the rent
A wife is paying the rent with sex because the husband lost all the money with poker, but the husband doesn’t know that she does it a lot.
Winning the lottery
A man wins the lottery and want his wife to leave the house.
Bad beat
A man is crying after playing poker and other players are laughing at him. When he’ll play online poker he wouldn’t have to experience that.
Cheating
A tourist is taking a safari tour with an African guide through a national park and asks him why gambling is forbidden. The guide tells him that it’s because they have cheetahs.
Helping your wife at poker
A husband tries to help his wife at the poker table and tells her she needs to call. The blond woman misunderstands him and grabs her phone instead.
Lost everything at poker
Casino Gambling Roulette
A woman comes home from a poker game and enters the bedroom naked, with only her purse over her shoulder to seduce her husband. He thinks she lost everything at poker, even her clothes.
Playing poker without a clue
Funny Casino Jokes
Two people are playing poker and both thinking they’re the best but they don’t know what they’re doing.
Casino Jokes
Telling the truth
Casino Gambling Jokes Funny
A poker player displayed on the left and a politician displayed on the right.